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Angelina Jolie Confirms: Pregnant with Gold Twins

Angelina Jolie is pregnant with gold twins

CANNES, FRANCE - Angelina Jolie confirmed yesterday that she is pregnant with twins that are made of 24-carat solid gold.

“They’re so heavy!” She jubilantly told SCNN. “Brad and I are over the moon. We just found out yesterday, but we thought as much - a radiant golden light has been shining out of my womb since about the third month.”

Medical experts agree that if someone were to conceive a gold baby, it would be Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. “Basically we believe that Brad has flecks of gold in his sperm. We’d like to get our hands on some to test this theory, so Brad, if you’re listening, please give us a sample!” Said Dr. Leroy Spitz of the Fertility Center in New York City. “Given the amount of passionate ooh-la-la that Brad and Angie undoubtedly have, we believe Jolie’s uterus became entirely covered in a thin film of gold over time. This would explain why their first child Shiloh is not gold, but their second and third child are. If they conceive again in a few years, it’s entirely likely that the baby will be platinum with sapphire eyes and a ruby belly button.”

Jolie’s reps won’t say where she is planning to give birth (the sultry star is due in August), but shrines are being built in every major US city so that when the twins are born people will immediately be able to pray to them.

Lacey Cavanaugh, the Jolie-Pitts’ self-proclaimed number one fan in Kansas City, Missouri, is certainly prepared. “This will be the single greatest thing to happen in the last hundred years,” she said. “I’ve got my prayin’ kneepads on already!”