News Item

Friends Starting to Think Perez Hilton Might Be Gay

WEST HOLLYWOOD, CA — Friends of Perez Hilton have reported that they are beginning to ask some important questions about the eccentric celebrity blogger’s sexuality.

“I gotta tell you, man, I think, you know, I think that maybe Perez might, you know, um … be gay,” said friend David Marshall, 24. “There, I said it. God damn, I feel free!”

Marshall provided a well-reasoned explanation for why he thinks Hilton, whose real name is Mario Armando Lavandeira, Jr., might be gay. “Well, first off, you’ve seen how he dresses, acts, wears his hair, and talks. Totally gay! Then, he’s very petulant and catty, and I’m not trying to be, you know, stereotypical, but, I mean, come on. Third, he’s always around women, especially beautiful women and actresses, but he never tries to sleep with them. Next, he’s always advocating for gay causes and stuff like that, and always outing other gay celebrities.”

Marshall said the real reason he has become suspicious, though, is a persistent and troubling comment that Hilton keeps making.

“He’s always saying things like, ‘I’m gay,’ or ‘I am a gay American,’ stuff like that,” Marshall said. “After a while, you sort of stop thinking that he’s joking, you know.”

Marshall said he’s committed to being Hilton’s friend, regardless of the blogger’s sexuality. “He’s a nice guy,” Marshall said. “So what if he might be gay. As long as he doesn’t ever look at me in that way, it’ll be fine.”